FAMILY MATTERS: Prepare child for letdown when season ends
We touched on a number of topics, such as setting appropriate expectations for a child, offering encouragement without pushing, dealing with disappointment and staying in touch with a child's experiences.
Among the most important topics we discuss was preparing for the letdown that inevitably accompanies the end of season. I told parents they would probably feel sad as their child's final performance of the Muny season approached.I assured them this reaction was normal and warned them that their children probably would feel even more despondent as the reality of the season's end hits them.
Children - and their parents - often experience a letdown after the show is over, the big game played, the recital finished or the season comes to a close.
The more important an activity is to a child, the more likely some depression will follow. Children who are more relieved than sad probably experienced the activity as more stressful than rewarding.
However, parents can lessen the impact of this foreseeable depression and regenerate their children's enthusiasm for other aspects of their lives.
Here's how:
- Anticipate a letdown, and prepare your child in advance.
- Begin by dealing with your own feelings before talking to your child.
- Point out that the spotlight has included both the way your entire family has supported your child in recent weeks and the activity itself.
- Empathize with the way the shift from being a star to being just a beloved member of the family can be a letdown.
- Ask about your child's feelings. Normalize them by pointing out that everyone who has worked hard to achieve personal goals or been featured in an event feels despondent when the spotlight moves on. Share personal examples. How did you cope? How would you have liked to cope? What did you learn?
- Explain that learning to handle a letdown is part of the process of doing the activity and growing from it.
- Brainstorm with your child about specific ways to deal with what's ahead. What would your child like to do when the season ends? What does your child enjoy? What can you do as a family?
- Help your child focus on other activities, including hobbies and family events. When is the last time your family biked the Katy Trail, visited the lake or the zoo, gone hiking or explored the Science Center? Remember that regular physical activity is a great antidote to depression for children, as well as for adults.
- Schedule activities of interest for your child to look forward to, and encourage your child to reconnect with friends from other venues.
- Follow up diligently. When the show closes, ask about your child's feelings and continue to stay in touch with her emotional ups and downs. Explain that learning to handle a letdown is part of the process of being a participant in something meaningful.
- Remind your child of the plans for dealing with a letdown and encourage follow-through.
- Be alert to symptoms of depression, such as altered sleeping or eating patterns, mood swings, lethargy, irritability or other significant behavior changes.
- Assure your child that your love is unconditional, not linked to any achievements, and that you are most proud of the efforts your child made, not the resulting performance.
- Put the activity into perspective. Remind your child of other accomplishments and personal characteristics you are proud of. Performing, even for stars, should only be a lesser part of what's most important in their lives.
- Stress how much you value the process of commitment, practice, self-discipline and cooperation your child has demonstrated. Explain how you see participation in the activity as part of a process of growth - perhaps even an unforgettable benchmark in that process - but still part of a process of developing healthy character traits, skills and greater maturity.
- Spend time with your child and reinforce these messages.
- Consult a therapist if these suggestions don't seem to work as well as you want. It's probably best to make an appointment for yourself, not your child, with someone who is wiling to coach you as parents, because you can be the most potent resource helping your child overcome situational depression.
