POKIN AROUND: What's wrong with me? I'm hooked on 'Farmer'
I'm a grown man. An educated man. I've never before watched reality TV.
Yet here I am at 8 p.m. Wednesdays watching local farmer Matt Neustadt try to pick a bride from among 10 big-city women who claim to be jaded by the phoniness of urban living and who earnestly seek matrimony with a real man, a man of rock-solid values - as well as rock-solid pecs and abs.The show was filmed last summer in the Orchard Farm area.
During episode one, I groaned when Matt made his debut. He arrived on his trusty steed, John Deere, shirtless, flaunting his surfer's tan.
The women squealed with delight. And I don't think it was the tractor.
Just so you know, I can relate to what it's like to be eye candy. Several years ago I delivered lunches for a business called Takeout Taxi. Upon occasion, I'd arrive to a conference room full of women, my warming bag oozing with the aroma of food. I'd walk in, silver hair flowing under my Takeout Taxi cap, and the women would turn and sigh, "Yummy."
So, I know what Matt's going through.
In watching the show, I've learned a lot about St. Charles County, farming and how women interact.
Maybe I've been wrong about reality TV. There is an educational aspect.
I've learned that St. Charles County is far more remote than I ever realized. You go past The New Town at St. Charles and that's it, you're basically on your own, brother. And I'm not just talking about what color you can paint your garage. Better watch out for the griz, pilgrim.
To me, it's been inspiring to see how farmers so willingly help one another. Matt, who is 30, had the ladies catch chickens for one neighbor. And then they helped neighbor Frank, who needed hay bales picked up.
Each woman had to drive a tractor and, at intervals, stop to heft the hay bales - which just so happened to be out in the field - onto the trailer.
One of the women, Lisa, a singer/dancer/street performer, did this wearing high heels, which I would have thought was funny if I hadn't been worrying about all the other lonely bachelor farmers in St. Charles County who are now letting the chickens out and placing hay bales in the field - sort of like bait - hoping to snare a nubile big-city woman.
One of the major plot lines, so far, is that Lisa is one of two women who profess to be virgins. The other is Brooke. Lisa and Brooke also claim to be religious.
For reasons that neither my wife nor I could follow, their virginity and faith has caused a great division among the women. (And yes, my wife, who is even more educated than I am, watches.)
Last week Lisa and Brooke hopped in a pickup late at night and paid a visit to Matt's real house in Portage des Sioux. They had gotten his address off a magazine.
I recognized the house because I went there last summer in an attempt to interview Matt.
As Lisa and Brooke knocked on the door, I couldn't help but think - and this is just how my mind works - wouldn't it be really interesting if Matt's wife answered? Wouldn't that be a slice of reality TV?
Not that I'm saying Matt has a wife. He doesn't. Not that I know of.
In watching the show, I've learned how hyper-competitive women are when it comes to getting a man's attention. Apparently, they say things to each other, such as:
"The game is on now!"
"I'm going to kick your butt!"
"You're a (expletive) (expletive)!"
I can only assume that part of the reason for this aggression is that, out here in the wild, some of the women have been unable to replenish their meds.
My wife and I are cheering for Amanda. She's a brunette. Because my wife is a brunette, I'm not allowed, ever, to cheer for blondes.
Amanda is a student in Chicago. I think it's Northwestern. We like her in large part because she's cute and, unlike some of the other women, doesn't appear to have a major personality disorder.
I was so thrilled last week when Matt chose Amanda for a one-on-one date. He took her to his parents' home for dinner. It was clear that Matt's parents liked Amanda, too.
Believe me, this was a better date than Matt had with Stacey, who is in sales and marketing. First, Stacey talks too much and, unfortunately for her, it wasn't about soybean yield.
Second, it was the date itself. Matt set up two chairs in the bed of his truck and flicked on a projector to show what appeared to be a silent movie on the side of a barn.
Not only is this a lame idea, especially when you factor in mosquitoes, but also it gave Stacey even more of an opportunity to yak.
The woman sent home last week was Krista, an accountant. Not only did Matt send her packing, but also he did so after he accidentally hit her with a stick as they all frolicked in a pond.
Krista cried after being struck in the hand; Matt apologized.
Talk about reality-TV drama! It must have occurred to the show's producers that there's a certain emotional wallop in having Matt, each week, designate who's going home by whacking her with a stick.
As long as it's not Amanda.
