MY WORLD: Surviving match-making, or a wedding shower
Why am I starting off this column with this particular plug? Reason one is that Act II is a bunch of talented local performers who always put on an entertaining show. Reason two is the show is about a well-meaning do-gooder who tries to find her friend a husband, with comical results; let's just say he's no spring chicken, and no Brad Pitt.
Anyone who's tried to be a matchmaker or been the recipient of someone's misguided attempts at match-making can identify with how hard it is for people to get together. People longing to make a connection with that special someone go to great lengths sometimes - Internet dating services, speed dating, etc. There's lots of how-to advice out there. Sometimes it actually works.Our son had to go no farther than his church in Springfield, where he met his fiancee while teaching Sunday school with her. (Memo to searching singles: You do meet some nice people in places of worship). We're excited about the upcoming wedding, the joining of two families and the fact that no longer will he be bringing home tons of laundry to do at our house.
Since he became engaged to our wonderful future daughter-in-law, I've tried to give him good, sound motherly advice for marriage, pithy sayings like "never go to bed mad," "share the workload equally," and the all-important "keep your feet smelling sweet."
One thing I hadn't prepared him for was the pre-wedding test nearly all grooms-to-be must pass: the (insert scary music here) couple's wedding shower.
No longer the exclusive domain of brides-to-be, today's wedding shower can be for both parties. It can be a joyous occasion in which the groom can participate in, receiving gifts meant for the couple. It can also be a form of torture for the guy and any other poor males who get sucked into attending.
We recently attended a shower for Mat and Janelle at her home church. Five brave men were there, including our son. They were outnumbered by the more than 30 women in attendance. At first, Hubby said he hadn't felt so out of place since I dragged him to a local tea room for lunch.
The room was beautifully decorated in pink, with lots of frilly, fru fru frippery. (Can you smell the estrogen yet?) We entered and signed the guest book, right by the his-and-her teddy bears dressed like a bride and groom. I nagged at Mat to tuck in his shirt (once a mom, always a mom) and warned him to say only nice things when they opened the gifts, no matter how many one-of-a-kind musical can openers they received. He promised to be on his best behavior.
The women in charge outdid Martha Stewart with the elegant food and table favors. A good time was had by all (yes, even the guys), and the happy couple still is engaged, but as a public service I have come up with a few simple rules for men fortunate enough to be invited to a wedding shower.
First, the beautifully arranged fancy mints homemade by Aunt Mabel are not for: a) target practice, b) tossing up in the air to see how many you can catch with your mouth, or c) a substitute for Legos to build a cute little tower at your table when you're bored. I'm not naming any names here, but if the mint fits, eat it.
Secondly, when playing Gift Bingo, where you mark off the items on the card corresponding to the items they receive as gifts, it is impolite to keep asking, "What's that thing?" Especially if your wife is attempting to take photos of the happy couple. If you don't know the difference between a candle holder and a paper towel holder, you probably should not be playing and go back to building your mint tower.
If you're the groom-to-be, do not purposely try to break the ribbons on the gifts to prove your manhood. The old tradition of however many ribbons you break when opening gifts being an indicator of how many children you'll have, ceases to be amusing to the bride after reaching the number seven.
And if you are the groom-to-be, do not attempt to shove cake into your bride's face as "practice for the wedding reception." She finds this about as amusing as the ribbon-breaking spree.
Lastly, open your gifts with decorum and dignity. This is not Christmas and you're not 10 years old. Contrary to popular belief, china does break.
In fairness to son and Hubby, they did behave themselves, for the most part. Mat knows better than to pull anything funny when a crowd of 30 women are observing his every move, especially his mother, grandmother and future mother-in-law. It seems there are some things scarier for a young man than lifelong commitment.
Karen Diekamp Hitchcock of St. Charles is a medical secretary who writes a semimonthly column for the Journal. She can be reached at kdhitch1@hotmail.com
